When socializing, especially with someone new, we have the option of peeling the layers and presenting ourselves – who we are – in one of two directions: inside out or outside in. The former relies on us engaging the other person authentically, in our own words and in our own way. For many of us, myself included, this is hard to do without simultaneously thinking about making an impression – either physical or intellectual. We want to be liked and desired. But that want is more about you than the other person, which is why we easily fall into a trap of hanging out with people who are hollow friends but excellent validators of what we want to hear about ourselves. These relationships have more to do about dependance than a friendship.

Being present with someone, without background thoughts or ego-kindled objectives, sends a message that we are genuinely interested in getting to know them. The space to connect is there. It communicates – even encourages – that your counterpart is safe in being themselves without the shield of personality and sword of judgement.

Once the connection is made, the communication can move up to the more conditioned (yet unavoidable) layers of our lives. These include our constructed identity – what we do for work, the kinds of art we enjoy, etc. – and our appearance – how we look. Differences – even contrasts – between people in these, more superficial layers of ourselves, can be complementary to the relationship if there is a genuine anchor connecting the two people. If there isn’t, they become the relationship itself – a romance based on looks, a friendship based purely on shared interests, a business partnership based purely on transaction. Approaching someone from the outside in is treacherous because we equate one’s shifting, superficial personality (or appearance) with who they are. Being far from our core, we are closer to the ego, which tends to see everything through the lens of its own self-interest. Self-interest means we approach relationships transactionally, wanting something in return, which ultimately creates dependance rather than belonging.