Tag: identity

Inside Out / Outside In

Posted on by Marko

When socializing, especially with someone new, we have the option of peeling the layers and presenting ourselves – who we are – in one of two directions: inside out or outside in. The former relies on us engaging the other person authentically, in our own words and in our own way. For many of us, myself included, this is hard to do without simultaneously thinking about making an impression – either physical or intellectual. We want to be liked and desired. But that want is more about you than the other person, which is why we easily fall into a trap of hanging out with people who are hollow friends but excellent validators of what we want to hear about ourselves. These relationships have more to do about dependance than a friendship.

Being present with someone, without background thoughts or ego-kindled objectives, sends a message that we are genuinely interested in getting to know them. The space to connect is there. It communicates – even encourages – that your counterpart is safe in being themselves without the shield of personality and sword of judgement.

Once the connection is made, the communication can move up to the more conditioned (yet unavoidable) layers of our lives. These include our constructed identity – what we do for work, the kinds of art we enjoy, etc. – and our appearance – how we look. Differences – even contrasts – between people in these, more superficial layers of ourselves, can be complementary to the relationship if there is a genuine anchor connecting the two people. If there isn’t, they become the relationship itself – a romance based on looks, a friendship based purely on shared interests, a business partnership based purely on transaction. Approaching someone from the outside in is treacherous because we equate one’s shifting, superficial personality (or appearance) with who they are. Being far from our core, we are closer to the ego, which tends to see everything through the lens of its own self-interest. Self-interest means we approach relationships transactionally, wanting something in return, which ultimately creates dependance rather than belonging.

Reintegration

Posted on by Marko

See the World as you yourself. Love it, as you love yourself, and you will not fear it. Love others without qualifications, assumptions, or reservations and you will feel them, not just see or describe them. Their depth matches yours. Together our depth is infinite.

Hope and Fear are self-centeredness, self importance, arising due to the self directed separation from the Whole. The Whole from which you were carved. Hope and Fear are two sides of the same coin of Insecurity. Insecurity arising from self directed isolation, self inflicted loneliness. If you prioritize your little self over the big Self, you rob yourself. You perceive and live less. Being one with the big Self, you gain wisdom, connection, and live more. A statue has a fixed shape, but a rock that it was carved from has unlimited potential to express itself. Be a person, but don’t forget the planet that nourishes and gives us form.

Lying: Cause and (In)effect

Posted on by Marko

How we treat others begins with how we treat ourselves; lying to others begins with lying to ourselves. Not acknowledging our feelings (or dressing them up), avoiding responsibility, assuming ignorance, and conformation (self-denial) – these are all primordial forms of lying. We form an identity of a lie about ourselves, so naturally what comes out of us will have the capacity to carry lies as well.

Little lies, big lies – it doesn’t matter – trying to justify or quantify lying presents it as a norm, and eats away at our natural security, confidence, and genuine self-expression.

When we are ashamed of our mistakes, oftentimes, our first impulse is denial – in other words, lying. When we lie, we try to escape the effect of our selfishness. We want to avoid responsibility and punishment that comes with our bad behaviour. But our attempts are futile because each lie is like a chain that ties us down, restricting our freedom, entangling us in our alternate reality of fiction that we have to continually keep up. Eventually, we become so entangled in our web of lies that we fall prey to our own selfishness. People see us for what we are (or not are since the real self remains suppressed by lies) – a self-serving person who benefits at others’ expense. And the way people feel about liars is how they feel about parasites – suspicious, uneasy, and impossible to be around.

Instead of treating the symptoms – lies we tell to others – we should try to treat the source of this affliction – lies we tell ourselves. Instead of fearing what others might think of you based on how you feel or think, embrace it. They may not see you as someone you think they would approve of, but they would see you. And they would see your humanity – the capacity to be authentic, remorseful, empathetic (towards yourself and others), and capable of learning from your mistakes.

Of Needs and Independence

Posted on by Marko

There is a difference between what we want and what we need. Wants are often intellectual pursuits, many of which are prescribed to us through social norms, ideologies, expectations, and our own ego. Needs are different. Needs upwell from within. We discover them through a non-craving attraction that feels as natural as breathing. It is through needs that we uncover ourselves, that we feel purpose, and motivation. That we feel alive.

One of the needs that seems to be universal is the need to be independent but connected. Expressing our unique voice but listening to other voices as well, with equal respect. Understanding that we are one of many sharing the same space-time, trying to figure out how we fit in. Communication is a bi-directional exchange of idea, feelings, perspectives. It is not preaching or having it your way. Nor is it being passive or conforming, and having someone have it their way.  Communication is a connection that unites us, and us to an even greater whole.

Through this authentic connection we benefit as individuals as well as groups. Like molecules within a lattice, each unique but strengthening the other, building up a structure whose whole exceeds the sum of its individual parts. Living things are made of molecules but possess an awareness, a consciousness that cannot be understood or measured by examining molecules alone. Being a filament within this greater identity is what we deeply yearn for, what we need, but don’t know how to pursue.

Try taking without expecting, then giving without indebting. Or the reverse. Either way, you’re planting seeds of connection.  For independence and individuality without connection is loneliness, and that is one thing none of us want, but most of us have.

Karmic Detanglement

Posted on by Marko

Who we are today is the result of our past actions. As much as we want to change overnight sometimes, we can’t. There are too many strings anchoring us to our personal history. Thoughts we’ve thought and acted upon, routines we’ve developed and cemented through repeated steps, identities we’ve built based on our values and ego.

The past cannot be changed but that should not be the reason for us being stuck in it. We, separate from our past, have the capacity to change, as long as we realize it’s a process. To change is to detangle ourselves from our former actions. That means recognizing and owning what we’ve done, no matter how inconvenient, painful, or guilting it may be. By taking responsibility for our former actions, we weaken their power over us, and make space for new ones – new ways of thinking, seeing, and doing things. The accumulated karma of our past dissolves, and along with it the cause that effected our identity.

With time, we build new values that redefine who we are. We change, as we should, as everything in the universe does. Change is a natural process fundamental to our personal refinement.

Superlatives: Inferior Identities

Posted on by Marko

My best friend, my finest work, my greatest belief etc. – grandiose, self-identifying statements with self-pooring effects. When we label something as being of the highest order, we place a limit on our potential, others, and the world, as we perceive them. When we tell ourselves such narratives, we interrupt the ever-unfolding journey of life and feel like we’ve reached a destination. Comfort and security of accomplishment set in, and the spark of life, the curiosity and hunger for the unknown, for exploration and discovery, wanes. In short, we see less and correspondingly get less.

When we use superlatives to describe our relationships, we create attachments to people, activities, and things – not as they are, but as we perceive them to be. When we attach ourselves, we are less likely to try something new. We depend on, and often demand, a standard as prescribed by our superlative. A best friend should do this and that, and if they don’t, something is wrong. A finest work communicates that I can’t do any better. A greatest belief is one that reduces the beautiful relativity of individuality and the universe down to subjective absolutism.

Make and explore connections within your slice of the universe, but don’t make them your roadblocks. No matter how ecstatic and happiness-inducing an experience is, it is still part of a process of highs and lows. In fact, we must have lows to experience and identify highs, but there is no limit on their height, unless you assign it.

Expose Yourself

Posted on by Marko

When we feel shame, we conform. And when we conform, we betray ourselves, our authentic nature, by acting the way others expect us to act. The feeling of shame is a keystone to so many of our insecurities. It holds us back through the fear of being judged by someone else’s standards. Ironically, we think when we submit to conformation, we’ll be liked more, but such appeal is very superficial, lacking substance to create real social bonds.

Feeling ashamed on any level weakens us, suppresses us. It can be the way we look, dress, think, talk, philosophize, laugh, feel, – any authentic expression or idiosyncrasy that represents our essential identity.

Shame is a powerful, primal emotion that separates. By feeling shame, we create distance between us and the people in our lives. Shame makes us less authentic, at best, right down to inauthentic, at worst. When we’re ashamed, we’re more likely to be covert and cautious with our genuine feelings and thoughts about something. We communicate partial truths or override them altogether. The result of all this self-censoring is our inability to form and maintain meaningful and authentic social bonds. If there is no genuine attraction between people, which comes about through freespiritedness of expression, there is also no way to form genuine relationships.

So I say, expose yourself. Be naked and generous in your expression: your opinions, views, creativity, feelings, compassion, giving, and especially loving. It may feel painful at first (for it is practiced by few), but it is also empowering, both to self, and to your relationships.

Don’t follow others, inspire them by being unapologetically you.

Mind-Heart

Posted on by Marko

Our minds are essential to practical life and establishing the familiar, as well as our relationship to it. But beyond practicality, a mind, left unbalanced, can also thwart life because it is uncomfortable with change. New information about the world or self challenges the mind’s subjective reality that it worked so hard to create and understand. It’s a threat to mind’s established identity. In short, the mind wants what is, not what will be. It wants what is familiar, labeled or labelable, not unquantifiable possibilities or change. Some of the most intense suffering we endure in our lives is psychological, stemming from change and our attachments to what was.

Since life is one continuous process of change, and our society puts disproportionate emphasis on our mental abilities, it is crucial that we balance this harder part of ourselves with a softer one. I call it the heart, others call it something else, but they point to the same emotional intelligence that penetrates labels, and gives numbers and theorems meaning beyond their formulae.

Our mind separates us from our surroundings through differentiation, our heart unifies by seeking interrelatedness. A heart wants change, evolution, growth, even if it means pain in the short-term. It’s fiercely driven by curiosity, a passion to discover and connect. It leads us to new worlds and realizations, pastures for our mind (and us) to feed on and grow from.

Life & Lifestyle

Posted on by Marko

Our lifestyle determines the quality and potential of our life. What you eat is what makes you, and what makes you is how you feel and perceive the world around you. A healthy lifestyle generates benefits beyond good blood test results – it motivates us, fortifying our ability to embrace life deeper, broader, longer.

Drink soda, and our energy levels become erratic, almost bipolar – a quick, anxious high followed by a depressive crash. Eat a fatty burger, and we feel comatose. Imagine what consuming these malnourishing foods long-term does to your body – and personality. The quality of energy that fuels us is what drives (or stalls) us in life.

We feel high on life when we feel motivated and purposeful. Instead of looking for motivation per se outside yourself, look for ways of producing higher quality energy within. That energy is the fuel that animates you and the appearance of the world that surrounds you. The cleaner the energy, the more you can be present, attentive, and in touch with what you are and want in life. Eating nutrient-rich, unprocessed foods, and staying physically active are essential ingredients to life. They are fundamental precursors to your physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing.

Respecting yourself starts with respecting your body, your vessel in this physical existence. I disagree with philosophies of mind over body or spirit over body – those statements may sound grandiose and bold, but are ultimately short-lived because your mind and spirit cannot exist in this dimension without its physical counterpart. And a healthy physical counterpart at that. I prefer the approach of mind/spirit with body. A partnership of equal weight.

To me, staying fit is fundamental. I don’t obsess over it nor do I see it as work. It is a lifestyle choice, one which furthers my potential and ability to do more in life. To hike farther, to make love longer, to lend a helping hand more often, to be confident in who I am and what I can do. In short, to do and try.

Like many people, I’ve often asked myself what makes a good life. The best answer I can come up with at this moment is that a life well lived is a life well journeyed.

Potting Invasive Thoughts

Posted on by Marko

There are thoughts that possess us and reduce our complexity to a compulsion. These invasive thoughts sprout from self-doubting seeds, breeding insecurity and conformation. When left unrecognized, they take root in the ground of our being. Their growth is exponential and parasitic, preying on our sense of self while giving little outside suffering in return. They possess us to the degree of losing control over our behaviour, priorities, and values. They alter our reality, our sense of normal.

Yet these invasive species of our mind should not be ignored, suppressed, or ripped out – just potted. Don’t let them take root in your garden, your ground of self, but give them space to make themselves known, contained in a mental pot. When understood, these dark seeds are wells of deeper information that our self-preservation often buries. They contain records of our interaction with world and life. Be aware of your feelings and seek out their origin. Embrace them without becoming them. By identifying the roots that vie for control over us, we control them. They become an adviser, not an adversary.