Tag: relationships

On Love

Posted on by Marko

Love is not a binary state, it is a process with no boundaries. We don’t fall in or out of love, we feel more or less connected to someone. Love is a shade, not a colour.

Love is not exclusive to romance – it drives every relationship, regardless of its nature. You cannot control love, nor does it respond to your will and needs. Love happens naturally, spontaneously when you don’t try, when you surrender to the moment and the person before you, and only if they do the same. No intentions or objectives, merely an open-hearted presence.

You don’t love everyone with the same intensity, but if you feel a connection with them, then you do love them. Acknowledging love is not shameful. It doesn’t make you weaker, nor is it a risk one takes. Expressing your feelings – your love – through genuine thoughts, words, and actions is a strength – an act that honours a relationship. It is needed to sustain love, to renew it from moment to moment, and prevent it from becoming a habit.

Love ebbs and flows. We change, and that will reflect on every relationship. Change should not be feared – it is universal, and drives life itself. Choking your own growth for the sake of preserving a relationship is not love, it is dependence. It may preserve a structure of a relationship but its essence, the love that underlies it, will be gone. When an ebb does come, it represents an opportunity for renewal, which allows relationships to evolve and never fall into static habits.

Lying: Cause and (In)effect

Posted on by Marko

How we treat others begins with how we treat ourselves; lying to others begins with lying to ourselves. Not acknowledging our feelings (or dressing them up), avoiding responsibility, assuming ignorance, and conformation (self-denial) – these are all primordial forms of lying. We form an identity of a lie about ourselves, so naturally what comes out of us will have the capacity to carry lies as well.

Little lies, big lies – it doesn’t matter – trying to justify or quantify lying presents it as a norm, and eats away at our natural security, confidence, and genuine self-expression.

When we are ashamed of our mistakes, oftentimes, our first impulse is denial – in other words, lying. When we lie, we try to escape the effect of our selfishness. We want to avoid responsibility and punishment that comes with our bad behaviour. But our attempts are futile because each lie is like a chain that ties us down, restricting our freedom, entangling us in our alternate reality of fiction that we have to continually keep up. Eventually, we become so entangled in our web of lies that we fall prey to our own selfishness. People see us for what we are (or not are since the real self remains suppressed by lies) – a self-serving person who benefits at others’ expense. And the way people feel about liars is how they feel about parasites – suspicious, uneasy, and impossible to be around.

Instead of treating the symptoms – lies we tell to others – we should try to treat the source of this affliction – lies we tell ourselves. Instead of fearing what others might think of you based on how you feel or think, embrace it. They may not see you as someone you think they would approve of, but they would see you. And they would see your humanity – the capacity to be authentic, remorseful, empathetic (towards yourself and others), and capable of learning from your mistakes.

The Charisma of Being

Posted on by Marko

At any moment, we have the choice of being or thinking, taking life in or trying to understand it. We instinctively strive to strike a balance between the two, but social pressures, overachievement, attachment, and deep-seeded insecurities often pin us to the thinking side of things. We overthink, therefore, we cannot be. When we think, we don’t act. We don’t show our colours. We are absent because we are in our minds, interpreting, projecting, estimating. Our awareness retreats, and with it our animation and idiosyncrasies. When we think, our personalities are closer to that of a computer than a sentient life-form. A mostly-thinker, no matter how academically brilliant, often has little charisma, a product of their reserved, withdrawn personality. They have little presence, and offer few draws for others to get to know them.

Of course, thinking is essential to one’s survival and understanding of the world. It’s the first thing we learn, but I’d like to argue it’s a predominant thing we are taught throughout our lives in this so-called modern society. An intellectual world is not a lived world, but a projected one. We think, therefore we are, but what we are is not who we are.

Thinking needs the right input for a truthful output, and that input comes through being – experiencing without labeling, engaging without expecting, listening without projecting. In short, not pre-thinking. When raw materials of life enter us as they are, we feel stimulated by their newness, and consequently, our curiosity. We process them through our unique, natural lens. We interpret the universe as it expresses itself through us, not the way we are expected to see it. And because we add a fresh perspective to our society, we stand out, in the most natural, un-egotistical way possible. The way everyone, in their unique way, has a potential of standing out. This is the charisma that inspires motivation, not envy, attraction, not attachment. It is also the essential ingredient to any truthful, selfless relationship.

Superlatives: Inferior Identities

Posted on by Marko

My best friend, my finest work, my greatest belief etc. – grandiose, self-identifying statements with self-pooring effects. When we label something as being of the highest order, we place a limit on our potential, others, and the world, as we perceive them. When we tell ourselves such narratives, we interrupt the ever-unfolding journey of life and feel like we’ve reached a destination. Comfort and security of accomplishment set in, and the spark of life, the curiosity and hunger for the unknown, for exploration and discovery, wanes. In short, we see less and correspondingly get less.

When we use superlatives to describe our relationships, we create attachments to people, activities, and things – not as they are, but as we perceive them to be. When we attach ourselves, we are less likely to try something new. We depend on, and often demand, a standard as prescribed by our superlative. A best friend should do this and that, and if they don’t, something is wrong. A finest work communicates that I can’t do any better. A greatest belief is one that reduces the beautiful relativity of individuality and the universe down to subjective absolutism.

Make and explore connections within your slice of the universe, but don’t make them your roadblocks. No matter how ecstatic and happiness-inducing an experience is, it is still part of a process of highs and lows. In fact, we must have lows to experience and identify highs, but there is no limit on their height, unless you assign it.

Genuine Disobedience

Posted on by Marko

You cannot make a connection with those who seek validation, followers, or spotlight. There is no space for the whole of you, just your obedience. You are their ego fodder or accessory, not a person, not a friend. If you care about those people, the best thing you can do is challenge them. Or at least stand up for your beliefs and opinions, no matter how hard they try to steamroll over them. If they persist, walk away. Relationships are built on agreements and differences, glue and fertilizer. Both should be respected and explored – they are the premise and promise of a human connection.